


The Legend Of Jimmy Crumb

by Kenthos



Category: Jimmy Johns
Genre: Conan the barbarian, Fist Of The NorthStar, Jimmy Johns - Freeform, Stupidity, Troll - Freeform, WTF, mcdonalds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-15 13:50:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16934418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kenthos/pseuds/Kenthos
Summary: The true story from the past, far in the future of Jimmy Crumb.





	1. Chapter 1

_**Jimmy Crumb** _

 

The slow beat of drums, they smell of smoke, the taste of stale bread and aged meat. In the dark building, a large firepit blazed with life. The flames revealed carvings and relics all around the room. On one side a stone statue of a muscular man, across a monstrously large skull. In the center hung a faded old sign that read “Jimmy Johns”.

Children, women and men were gathered around the fire, filling their bellies. This was an event for the clan, a time-honored tradition. They wore ripped and torn clothing from the time before mixed with hides from the beast who they hunted. Slowly a figure stepped up to the flames, he was old, older than old. Blind, gray of beard and wrinkled, he looked like a living statue. He was wrapped in a cloak of fur and leaned hard on a pole with a metal bolt at the top.

He withdrew a bag and tossed a powder into the flames, which caused it to flare and sparkle. Then kneeling and setting aside his staff, began to speak.

“In the time shortly after the age of nuclear flame, when the people had just begun to walk the glass desert and the snows had receded, he came. A man of true masculinity, stronger than twenty men, faster than any feline, able to out smart sages, able to woo a woman with a whisper. Yes, what his name was before didn’t matter but when he stepped into those ruins and found his way into the formerly freaky establishment, he found himself among the Jimmy Champions. Dawning the helm of Jimmy Crumb and training three years, drilled with the knowledge and forging his body into The Jimmy Crumb. My lord, supreme and mighty Jimmy Crumb, who I may only tell of. For I am his chronicler. No book, nor script my set the tales of Jimmy Crumb into stone. They must be told and pass to each. Now come, I shall tell you of Jimmy Crumb and a story of his courage and tenacity”

 

**_ Recollection I _ **

**__ **

Jimmy Crumb took a thousand steps through the glass desert, the waste land of our people. He was wrapped in a cloak, under it was his uniform of Jimmy Johns. On his brow sat the helm, etched with the words “My name is Caige”. As the wind threatened to tear the meat from his bones, as the sun tried to burn him, he endured. Through snow and rain, he walked till he heard a noise. Screams and yelling.

The local gangs were terrorizing a settlement. With knifes, guns and chains they brutalized and killed. They poured their rain water upon the dirt and set fires to the tents. One screaming woman ran from two thugs painted as clowns. The first was a large man of at least seven foot, the second a small man who did not bother to wear pants, his genitals painted like his face.

As the young woman ran, she felt herself slam into Jimmy Crumb. He grabbed her and prevented her from falling, gazing into her eyes. For a moment, the lass’s face turned red and she felt herself grow moist, but soon heard the screams and jibes of the clowns.

“PET ER DOW YEA FOOL!” The big one yelled.

“Give her back or I’ll rape you too!!” The small one cackled.

“Stand back…” Jimmy Crumb said, both softness and strength expressed in his voice.

The big one came first, swinging a massive arm at Jimmy Crumb. With a flick of his elbow, he stopped it and moving his head slowly to look into the clown’s eyes spoke “You have one chance to back off.”  The smaller clown dove with a large knife, sliding and cartwheeling, Jimmy Crumb turned and avoid him like he was nothing, standing straight and looking into the larger clown’s eyes.

For a moment, the giant pursed his lips and then yelled “NAWWWWWW”, bringing his massive hands down. But before they could even touch The Jimmy Crumb, a kick, swift as the wind slammed into the enormous clown’s jaw, sending blood and teeth everywhere.

Now the skinny clown attacked again, swinging and stabbing but Jimmy Crumb smacked the knife away and then with a single palm strike, caved in the clown’s forehead.

There was silence, the gang of clowns all silently moved over to the new comer. They gathered around him in a circle, before a single clown stepped out. He was a sad clown, with tears tattooed all over his body. He had a large red afro and only wore a tight pair of yellow spandex pants.

“Who dares interrupt the clown posse’s gang raping time?” He demanded.

“Me,” Jimmy Crumb said sharply, showing how he did not need words.

“I am Bozo, the greatest clown in the universe. I along with my magic tricks have ruled this area the past seven years. You come here and think to kill MY MEN? LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FUCK WITH A CLOWN!!!”

With a flick of his wrist, a long rainbow-colored scarf shot out and tore Jimmy Crumb’s shirt slightly.

“That was my favorite shirt!” Jimmy Crumb exclaimed in fury. As the clown mocked and laughed foolish, Jimmy Crumb took his fighting stance. His right hand raised, and left hand balled into a fist.

Bozo raised his arms and took a crane stance, arms above his head, one leg raised. For what felt like forever they stood still in the heat. The clowns stopped killing and raping to come watch, all staring at the two figures, not even breaking a sweat.

As one clown named Hugo farted, the attack started. Bozo kicked, it blew the air so hard, the clowns six feet away were knocked back. But Jimmy Crumb shot up, taking a boxing stance and side stepped it. Bozo reached into his spandex, grabbing full on into his crouch area before producing a rubber chicken. Spinning, he swung the chicken, which stretched and cracked like a whip. Jimmy Crumb however just took another step to the side, dodging and closing the gap, till he was right in the clown’s face and with a single punch to the gut, ended the fight.

Bozo fell to his knees, he gasped and coughed trying to catch his breath. But as he stood up, he realized his guts and entrails spilled out.

“W…what?” Bozo gasped. “What has happened!? It doesn’t hurt…”

“No… I gave you a painless death,” Jimmy Crumb muttered. “Jimmy secret technique one, the pepe. With the power of ham I ruptured your insides, but with sharpness of cheese I also severed your spinal column. You should feel thankful, with the same euphoric taste of mayo, I turned off your pain sensors and the acid of tomato is slowly helping you go peacefully. There is also lettuce…”

“I finally understand!” Bozo exclaimed. “Pepe… this is what I’ve been looking for. When I was but a boy, my family was killed by a clown… no a monster. That clown with the red hair and yellow tracksuit… he took my childhood away and from that day I felt the pain of loss. It made me what I am, a clown who rapes and kills to prevent that child from ever being hurt again. This man wants to take what he wants and be strong. But if I had only realized I was just inflicting the same pain on others…”

Bozo began to cry, deep sorrowful tears. Jimmy Crumb stood and felt his pain, though he didn’t cry, because that would have been gay.

“I feel at peace. Please stranger, if you find the clown who fucks burgers, stop him! The world doesn’t need more Bozos. And now I die…” Bozo leaned forward and was silent.

Jimmy Crumb gasped. “The clown who fucks burgers…” He might just know who that was and if he was right, one of his Jimmy Brothers might with him…

All the clowns around Jimmy Crumb stood silently, once they realized their leader was dead, they all fled in terror. They ran and ran, not daring to come near the little village anymore.

The villagers gathered and cheered, at least the ones who hadn’t been killed or raped too bad. The woman from earlier came up and wrapped her arms around Jimmy Crumb.

“Oh mister! You saved us!! How can we ever repay you!!”

“Food and drink,” Jimmy Crumb said softly. She was still so taken with his manly face and voice.

That night they partied. They brought out moonshine and the harvest, all dancing and cheering for Jimmy Crumb. They slaughtered a pig, in his honor and promised to make a statue of him.

“That will not be necessary,” Jimmy Crumb told them.

“My name is Bella,” The young woman told him, sitting down next to him at the table. ”Where are you from? Where are you going?”

“I am Jimmy Crumb. I am on a quest to find my jimmy brothers. We all split up years ago and a new age of lawless darkness is taking the land. It is up to us, to bring order to this world. I should be leaving.”

“Please, Jimmy Crumb, stay a little.” Bella begged. “Let me introduce you to my sisters! I must at least tell them, of how you not only saved me, but the whole village.”

Jimmy Crumb agreed to go with Bella. He followed her to her hovel and there, he met her three sisters. That night, they had a foursome. Jimmy Crumb, without rest took them each in turn. With his Jimmy Member he satisfied each of them in turn. Then, without fail, he spread his jimmy seed to all of the lucky sisters.

As they slept, having climaxed several times and sure of their future Jimmy Children, Jimmy Crumb took his leave. He wrapped himself in his cloak and set off into the desert. He would find his Jimmy Brothers, bring peace to the land and kill that Clown who fucks burgers.


	2. Many countries, two Jimmys.

**_ Recollection II _ **

**__ **

“AYYYAAAAH~” Jimmy Crumb shouted. With a single kick, he sent a moped and its rider flying.

Days of walking, lack of water or food had left him feeling a little weakened, but Jimmy Crumb was still a true badass. The desert was as dead as ever, sand and dirt everywhere. The riders had surrounded him, each on a moped of different colors. They all wore hockey pads and old fashion goalie mask. Each were brightly colored in long forgotten countries’ flag colors.

One moped slowly pulled onto of the nearby hill, looking down at Jimmy Crumb. He bore a single red leaf on his mask. “Damn, he beat Rome. Let’s send in France or Germany.”

“Sir, France is nowhere to be found!” a smaller biker said walking his motor vehicle over.

With a pop, the leader slapped him with a giant pink dildo. “God damn it Quebec, get your shit together!!”

Jimmy Crumb glared up at them, from here they were but specks, but he knew more was coming. He reached into his shirt and pulled out a chain, on it was a small woolen bag. It vibrated in his hand, and as it was held aloft, it began to defy gravity and point directly towards the hill.

Suddenly with all the speed their vehicles could muster, three hockey players rolled down the hill and skipped to stopped, kicking up sand.

“Give it up Jimmy!!” One shouted. This one was a big hairy man, wearing a hockey mask that was painted green, white and red. He had a large spear and was riding a moped decked out with childish paintings.

“There is no way you can take all of us at once!” shouted another. This man was the most muscular and wore a red mask with a swastika. He had a ball and chain in hand and rode a Segway.

“Prepare yourself for the for the Tripartite Pact!!” The last shouted, featuring a white mask with only a single dot. His weapon was a katana and he pedaled his bike as hard as he could, being the fastest of them.

They circled Jimmy Crumb around, closing him in. Together they struck, Italy sped through striking with his spear. Jimmy Crumb batted it aside with no problem and spun avoiding the ball and chain from Germany. As his foot hit the ground however, he felt the katana go across his back.

“!!!” Jimmy Crumb gasped, it didn’t go deep but it was another tear in his shirt.

“Hehehe!” Japan laughed. “Prepare to die! YOU CAN’T STOP THREE OF US AT ONCE!!”

They all took off at a mild speed, but at once. Jimmy Crumb took a kung-fu stance, his eyes darting between the three. It was true, they were in perfect unity. The spear raised, the ball was thrown and the katana.

In an instant, Jimmy Crumb jumped in the air and it was as if he split into three people. A blur of a fist, shattering Italy’s wrist. Another, catching the ball on the chain and lastly, he kicked the katana into the air.

Shocked at the impossibility of him being in three places at once, they weren’t prepared for the follow up. The ball and chain was sent flying into Italy and the spear found it’s way into Japan’s bike’s spokes. Lastly, he caught the Katana and sliced, his whole body flying past Germany.

Italy hit the ground, mask smashed into his face. The Moped flipped over and started kicking up sand. Japan flew off his bike and landed in front of Jimmy Crumb’s feet. His neck broken from the landing.  
Germany on his Segway however came to a stop. He began laughing at how he was still alive and was about to Nazi salute when his head split in two.

Italy looked up, unable to move his body. “How?” He demanded. “How could you strike all three of us at once?”

As Jimmy Crumb flexed hard and he announced, “Jimmy’s Secret Of Movement, Triple Chocolate Chunk!”

Jimmy Crumb sighed, tossing the katana aside and picked up Rome’s Moped, leaving the Tripartite as food for the desert creatures. He sped off on the moped. He pushed the vehicle as hard, going deeper and deeper into the desert. He had only the bag around his neck, directing him further and further into hills. He had the sneaking feeling, that he was being followed.

Finally, he reached a large set of rocks. A large opening in the rocks, darkly loomed. Jimmy Crumb slipped off the vehicle and stepped up. The bag floated directly pointing to the cave. Stepping up, he smelled the flavors of home.

The cave was filled with smoke, Jimmy Crumb couldn’t see three feet in front of him. He almost tripped, there was a large hole. There was no way to tell how deep it went, endless.

“I see you’ve come… Cai… I mean Jimmy Crumb.” A voice rag out. It echoed everywhere, inside Jimmy Crumb’s very mind. “I knew you would come. I saw it, in the bread.”

“Then you know why I am here!” Jimmy Crumb yelled, stopping.

“Your anger will be your downfall. Those years in exile have taught you nothing… I know rage, but I learned to control it.”  
“My rage is my power! This world is burning and it’s up to us to stop it!”

With a loud thwak, Jimmy Crumb felt a long staff slam into his helm. He nearly fell over but held his ground, leg kicking up dust as he balanced himself. Another blow, to his back, and then one to his rib. Jimmy Crumb paused, he couldn’t see the blows coming. He must find another way to fight.

Crack, a blow stuck his knee, but Jimmy Crumb shot out a punch grazing a bit of fabric. Snap, his collar bone was struck, but he brought up his knee, landing against flesh.

“How long are you going to keep sneaking. Come out and show thy-self Ryan!!” Jimmy Crumb yelled at the top of his lungs. With the fury that was unleashed the mist blew back away from him.

For a moment, the mist began to return, with a sudden gust it parted. There standing was a cloaked figure, his hood only bit of his mouth. For a moment, you could see the Jimmy John’s logo under it and in his hands a brown sword.

“Come now Jimmy Crumb, don’t forget our titles. I am The Jimmy Warrior!! Now show me your bread skills!”

Jimmy Crumb went to one knee and raised a hand over the ground. There was a shutter and the cave floor began splitting. Something was coming and soon, the first object shot out. What looked like a cylinder about as long as someone’s forearm. At its end was a chain and with strength that split the stone further, Jimmy Crumb pulled the other half out. Flinging it between his hands and striking a pose, Jimmy Crumb’s nun-chucks forged from the bread of the earth was revealed.

The two figures stood still a moment, before Jimmy Crumb shot forward, sending his bread-chuck at his opponent. The Jimmy Warrior met his attack, bread sword meeting the weapon. There was a large burst, for a moment what looked like a tiny black hole appeared. The force of the impact was so strong all the air was dispersed leaving a vacuum pulling both Jimmy Heroes towards it.

With all his might, Jimmy Crumb flipped and fought it, but it was too late. The two smashed into each other and then was sent flying back. With grace, Jimmy Crumb flipped around mid-air and landed on his feet. The Jimmy Warrior however just floated down.

Both men paused, they hadn’t expected that. In that silence, they realized there was another sound. The sound of many vehicles hummed into the cave.

Outside Canada was watching the entrance. “Ahh he led us to the target! We shall capture The Jimmy Warrior and be rich!” By him, the nations of hockey masks nodded in agreement.

It was then that France yelled out, “LOOK!!”

From the cave, the hooded Jimmy Warrior stepped out. For a moment he stood, brown cloak blowing in the wind.

“Russia! Go get him!” Canada yelled, shoving his large pink dildo into his partner’s hands.

Russia was wearing hockey gear over a karate uniform. Slowly he leaned down, taking a Pu Bu stance. JJ-Warrior stepped forward, not bothering to take a stance. With an inhuman speed, the dildo flew, but it was blocked by a bread sword. Then with no mercy, a second sword split Russia in two.

“NOOO!!!” Canada yelled hopping off his moped. From it he drew a horse dildo and held it with both hands. “I LOVED HIM!! EVERYONE GET READY TO ATTACK!!!”

“That’s gay,” Jimmy Crumb announced stepping out of the cave. “You sure this is a fair fight?” He added cracking his neck. “You might need more to take us.”

“Let me show you how, it’s done,” JJ-Warrior said walking forward. “Stay back Caige.”

“JOKES ON YOU!!! GET THE ROCKETS!!” Canada laughed. Behind him, several women in bikinis wearing American football helmets stepped up. Each had a rocket launcher and was aiming at them.

“You sure you don’t need…” Jimmy Crumb began, but it was too late.

JJ-Warrior let out a cry and crossed his swords. The rockets fired off, but faster than an rpg, JJ-Warrior swung his swords. He went to one knee, swords lightly grazing the sand. The rockets flew off course, before splitting in two.

“Jimmy’s Sword Technique Five. With the spice of capicola, my blades are set aflame. With the heart of salami, my aim is true.” Standing back up, The JJ-Warrior’s flaming blades flickered.

“The acid of tomato is melting your flesh. Your bones began to collapse from both oil and vinegar. Oregano has poisoned your veins and the sharpness of onions…”

With no warning, all of the hockey masked and football masked enemies, began to melt before their eyes. But as the word onion, let his mouth, they all split into pieces. Turning to ash and boiling away in the wind.

“And there is lettuce.” JJ-Warrior added, flicking the flames out on his sword.

 “I could do better,” Jimmy Crumb laughed. “But I need your help. I am gathering the JJ-Warriors to save this doomed world. I hear stories of a ‘clown who fucks burgers’”

“I shall not travel with you…” The JJ-Warrior said sternly. “But if you gather the others, I will be there.”

“Good!” Jimmy Crumb said as he picked up one of the mopeds. “I will see you then.”

And with that Jimmy Crumb drove off into the desert. In search of more of his fellow JJ-Heroes.

               

               

 

 


End file.
